A FORTNIGHT later, in the same room, Nejdanov sat bending over his three-legged table, writing to his friend Silin by the dim light of a tallow candle.(It was long past midnight.Muddy garments lay scattered on the sofa, on the floor, just where they had been thrown off.A fine drizzly rain pattered against the window-panes and a strong, warm wind moaned about the roof of the house.)MY DEAR VLADIMIR,--I am writing to you without giving my address and will send this letter by a messenger to a distant posting-station as my being here is a secret, and to disclose it might mean the ruin not of myself alone.It is enough for you to know that for the last two weeks I have been living in a large factory together with Mariana.We ran away from the Sipiagins on the day on which I last wrote to you.A friend has given us shelter here.
For convenience sake I will call him Vassily.He is the chief here and an excellent man.Our stay is only of a temporary nature; we will move on when the time for action comes.But, however, judging by events so far, the time is hardly likely ever to come! Vladimir, I am horribly miserable.I must tell you before everything that although Mariana and I ran away together, we have so far been living like brother and sister.She loves me and told me she would be mine if I feel I have the right to ask it of her.
Vladimir, I do not feel that I have the right! She trusts me, believes in my honour--I cannot deceive her.I know that I never loved nor will ever love any one more than her (of that I am convinced), but for all that, how can I unite her fate forever with mine? A living being to a corpse? Well, if not a complete corpse, at any rate, a half-dead creature.Where would one's conscience be? I can hear you say that if passion was strong enough the conscience would be silent.But that is just the point; I am a corpse, an honest, well-meaning corpse if you like, but a corpse nevertheless.Please do not say that I always exaggerate.Everything I have told you is absolutely true.
Mariana is very reserved and is at present wrapped up in her activities in which she believes, and I?
Well, enough of love and personal happiness and all that.It is now a fortnight since I have been going among "the people," and really it would be impossible to imagine anything more stupid than they are.Of course the fault lies probably more in me than in the work itself.I am not a fanatic.I am not one of those who regenerate themselves by contact with the people and do not lay them on my aching bosom like a flannel bandage--I want to influence them.But how? How can it be done? When I am among them I find myself listening all the time, taking things in, but when it comes to saying anything--I am at a loss for a word! I feel that I am no good, a bad actor in a part that does not suit him.
Conscientiousness or scepticism are absolutely of no use, nor is a pitiful sort of humour directed against oneself.It is worse than useless! I find it disgusting to look at the filthy rags Icarry about on me, the masquerade as Vassily calls it! They say you must first learn the language of the people, their habits and customs, but rubbish, rubbish, rubbish, I say! You have only to BELIEVE in what you say and say what you like! I once happened to hear a sectarian prophet delivering a sermon.Goodness only knows what arrant nonsense he talked, a sort of gorgeous mix-up of ecclesiastical learning, interspersed with peasant expressions, not even in decent Russian, but in some outlandish dialect, but he took one by storm with his enthusiasm--went straight to the heart.There he stood with flashing eyes, the voice deep and firm, with clenched fist--as though he were made of iron! No one understood what he was saying, but everyone bowed down before him and followed him.But when I begin to speak, I seem like a culprit begging for forgiveness.I ought to join the sectarians, although their wisdom is not great...but they have faith, faith!
Mariana too has faith.She works from morning until night with Tatiana--a peasant woman here, as good as can be and not by any means stupid; she says, by the way, that we want to become simplified and calls us simple souls.Mariana is about working with this woman from morning until night, scarcely sitting down for a moment, just like a regular ant! She is delighted that her hands are turning red and rough, and in the midst of these humble occupations is looking forward to the scaffold! She has even attempted to discard shoes; went out somewhere barefoot and came back barefoot.I heard her washing her feet for a long time afterwards and then saw her come out, treading cautiously; they were evidently sore, poor thing, but her face was radiant with smiles as though she had found a treasure or been illuminated by the sun.Yes, Mariana is a brick! But when I try to talk to her of my feelings, a certain shame comes over me somehow, as though I were violating something that was not my own, and then that glance...Oh, that awful devoted, irresistible glance! "Take me," it seems to say, "BUT REMEMBER...." Enough of this! Is there not something higher and better in this world? In other words, put on your filthy coat and go among the people...Oh, yes, I am just going.
How I loathe this irritability, sensitiveness, impressionable-ness, fastidiousness, inherited from my aristocratic father! What right had he to bring me into this world, endowed with qualities quite unsuited to the sphere in which I must live? To create a bird and throw it in the water? An aesthetic amidst filth! Ademocrat, a lover of the people, yet the very smell of their filthy vodka makes me feel sick!
But it's too bad blaming my father.He was not responsible for my becoming a democrat.
