In trying to understand the words of Jesus by searching back, as it were, for such thoughts and feelings in him as would account for the words he spoke, the perception awoke that at least he could not have meant by the will of God any such theological utterances as those which troubled him.Next it grew plain that what he came to do, was just to lead his life.That he should do the work, such as recorded, and much besides, that the Father gave him to do--this was the will of God concerning him.With this perception arose the conviction that unto every man whom God had sent into the world, he had given a work to do in that world.He had to lead the life God meant him to lead.The will of God was to be found and done in the world.In seeking a true relation to the world, would he find his relation to God?
The time for action was come.
He rose up from the stone of his meditation, took his staff in his hand, and went down the mountain, not knowing whither he went.And these were some of his thoughts as he went:
'If it was the will of God who made me and her, my will shall not be set against his.I cannot be happy, but I will bow my head and let his waves and his billows go over me.If there is such a God, he knows what a pain I bear.His will be done.Jesus thought it well that his will should be done to the death.Even if there be no God, it will be grand to be a disciple of such a man, to do as he says, think as he thought--perhaps come to feel as he felt.'
My reader may wonder that one so young should have been able to think so practically--to the one point of action.But he was in earnest, and what lay at the root of his character, at the root of all that he did, felt, and became, was childlike simplicity and purity of nature.If the sins of his father were mercifully visited upon him, so likewise were the grace and loveliness of his mother.
And between the two, Falconer had fared well.
As he descended the mountain, the one question was--his calling.
With the faintest track to follow, with the clue of a spider's thread to guide him, he would have known that his business was to set out at once to find, and save his father.But never since the day when the hand of that father smote him, and Mary St.John found him bleeding on the floor, had he heard word or conjecture concerning him.If he were to set out to find him now, it would be to search the earth for one who might have vanished from it years ago.He might as well search the streets of a great city for a lost jewel.When the time came for him to find his father, if such an hour was written in the decrees of--I dare not say Fate, for Falconer hated the word--if such was the will of God, some sign would be given him--that is, some hint which he could follow with action.As he thought and thought it became gradually plainer that he must begin his obedience by getting ready for anything that God might require of him.Therefore he must go on learning till the call came.
But he shivered at the thought of returning to Aberdeen.Might he not continue his studies in Germany? Would that not be as good--possibly, from the variety of the experience, better? But how was it to be decided? By submitting the matter to the friend who made either possible.Dr.Anderson had been to him as a father: he would be guided by his pleasure.
He wrote, therefore, to Dr.Anderson, saying that he would return at once if he wished it, but that he would greatly prefer going to a German university for two years.The doctor replied that of course he would rather have him at home, but that he was confident Robert knew best what was best for himself; therefore he had only to settle where he thought proper, and the next summer he would come and see him, for he was not tied to Aberdeen any more than Robert.
