The midsummer sun was stinging hot outside the little barber-shop next to the corner drug store and Penrod, undergoing a toilette preliminary to his very slowly approaching twelfth birthday, was adhesive enough to retain upon his face much hair as it fell from the shears. There is a mystery here: the tonsorial processes are not unagreeable to manhood; in truth, they are soothing; but the hairs detached from a boy's head get into his eyes, his ears, his nose, his mouth, and down his neck, and he does everywhere itch excruciatingly. Wherefore he blinks, winks, weeps, twitches, condenses his countenance, and squirms; and perchance the barber's scissors clip more than intended--belike an outlying flange of ear.
"Um--muh--OW!" said Penrod, this thing having happened.
"D' I touch y' up a little?" inquired the barber, smiling falsely.
"Ooh--UH!" The boy in the chair offered inarticulate protest, as the wound was rubbed with alum.
"THAT don't hurt!" said the barber. "You WILL get it, though, if you don't sit stiller," he continued, nipping in the bud any attempt on the part of his patient to think that he already had "it."
"Pfuff!" said Penrod, meaning no disrespect, but endeavoring to dislodge a temporary moustache from his lip.
"You ought to see how still that little Georgie Bassett sits," the barber went on, reprovingly. "I hear everybody says he's the best boy in town."
"Pfuff! PHIRR!" There was a touch of intentional contempt in this.
"I haven't heard nobody around the neighbourhood makin' no such remarks," added the barber, "about nobody of the name of Penrod Schofield."
"Well," said Penrod, clearing his mouth after a struggle, "who wants 'em to? Ouch!"
"I hear they call Georgie Bassett the `little gentleman,'" ventured the barber, provocatively, meeting with instant success.
"They better not call ME that," returned Penrod truculently. "I'd like to hear anybody try. Just once, that's all! I bet they'd never try it ag---- OUCH!"
"Why? What'd you do to 'em?"
"It's all right what I'd DO! I bet they wouldn't want to call me that again long as they lived!"
"What'd you do if it was a little girl? You wouldn't hit her, would you?"
"Well, I'd---- Ouch!"
"You wouldn't hit a little girl, would you?" the barber persisted, gathering into his powerful fingers a mop of hair from the top of Penrod's head and pulling that suffering head into an unnatural position. "Doesn't the Bible say it ain't never right to hit the weak sex?"
"Ow! SAY, look OUT!"
"So you'd go and punch a pore, weak, little girl, would you?" said the barber, reprovingly.
"Well, who said I'd hit her?" demanded the chivalrous Penrod. "I bet I'd FIX her though, all right. She'd see!"
"You wouldn't call her names, would you?"
"No, I wouldn't! What hurt is it to call anybody names?"
"Is that SO!" exclaimed the barber. "Then you was intending what I heard you hollering at Fisher's grocery delivery wagon driver fer a favour, the other day when I was goin' by your house, was you? I reckon I better tell him, because he says to me after-WERDS if he ever lays eyes on you when you ain't in your own yard, he's goin' to do a whole lot o' things you ain't goin' to like! Yessir, that's what he says to ME!"
"He better catch me first, I guess, before he talks so much."
"Well," resumed the barber, "that ain't sayin' what you'd do if a young lady ever walked up and called you a little gentleman.
_I_ want to hear what you'd do to her. I guess I know, though--come to think of it."
"What?" demanded Penrod.
"You'd sick that pore ole dog of yours on her cat, if she had one, I expect," guessed the barber derisively.
"No, I would not!"
"Well, what WOULD you do?"
"I'd do enough. Don't worry about that!"
"Well, suppose it was a boy, then: what'd you do if a boy come up to you and says, `Hello, little gentleman'?"
"He'd be lucky," said Penrod, with a sinister frown, "if he got home alive."
"Suppose it was a boy twice your size?"
"Just let him try," said Penrod ominously. "You just let him try. He'd never see daylight again; that's all!"
The barber dug ten active fingers into the helpless scalp before him and did his best to displace it, while the anguished Penrod, becoming instantly a seething crucible of emotion, misdirected his natural resentment into maddened brooding upon what he would do to a boy "twice his size" who should dare to call him "little gentleman." The barber shook him as his father had never shaken him; the barber buffeted him, rocked him frantically to and fro; the barber seemed to be trying to wring his neck; and Penrod saw himself in staggering zigzag pictures, destroying large, screaming, fragmentary boys who had insulted him.
The torture stopped suddenly; and clenched, weeping eyes began to see again, while the barber applied cooling lotions which made Penrod smell like a coloured housemaid's ideal.
"Now what," asked the barber, combing the reeking locks gently, "what would it make you so mad fer, to have somebody call you a little gentleman? It's a kind of compliment, as it were, you might say. What would you want to hit anybody fer THAT fer?"
To the mind of Penrod, this question was without meaning or reasonableness. It was within neither his power nor his desire to analyze the process by which the phrase had become offensive to him, and was now rapidly assuming the proportions of an outrage. He knew only that his gorge rose at the thought of it.
"You just let 'em try it!" he said threateningly, as he slid down from the chair. And as he went out of the door, after further conversation on the same subject, he called back those warning words once more: "Just let 'em try it! Just once--that's all _I_ ask 'em to. They'll find out what they GET!"
