JAYBIRD BOB'S JOKE.
"Whatever makes this yere jaybird Bob believe he's a humorist," said the Old Cattleman one afternoon as we slowly returned from a walk, "whatever it is misleads him to so deem himself is shorely too many for me.Doc Peets tells him himse'f one day he's plumb wrong.
"'You-all's nacherally a somber, morose party,' says Doc Peets this time, 'an' nothin' jocose or jocund about you.Your disp'sition, Jaybird, don't no more run to jokes than a prairie-dog's.""'Which I would admire to know why not?' says Jaybird Bob.
"'Well,' goes on Doc Peets, 'you thinks too slow--too much like a cow in a swamp.Your mind moves sluggish that a-way, an' sorter sinks to the hocks each step.If you was born to be funny your intellects would be limber an' frivolous.'
"'Bein' all this is personal to me,' says Jaybird Bob, 'I takes leave to regard you as wrong.My jokes is good, high-grade jokes;an' when you-all talks of me bein' morose, it's a mere case of bluff.' An' so Jaybird goes on a-holdin of himse'f funny ontil we-alls has him to bury.
"No; Jaybird ain't his shore-'nough name; it's jest a handle to his 'dentity, so we-alls picks it up handy and easy.Jaybird's real name is Graingerford,--Poindexter Graingerford.But the same is cumbersom an' onwieldy a whole lot; so when he first trails into Wolfville we-alls considers among ourse'fs an' settles it's a short cut to call him 'Jaybird Bob,' that a-way.An' we does.
"It's on the spring round-up this yere Jaybird first develops that he regards himse'f witty.It's in the morning as we-alls has saddled up an' lines out to comb the range roundabout for cattle.Thar's a tenderfoot along whose name is Todd, an', as he's canterin' off, Jaybird comes a-curvin' up on his bronco an' reaches over an' tails this shorthorn's pony.
"What's tailin' a pony? It's ridin' up from the r'ar an' takin' a half-hitch on your saddle.horn with the tail of another gent's pony, an' then spurrin' by an' swappin' ends with the whole outfit,--gent, hoss, an' all.
"It's really too toomultuous for a joke, an' mebby breaks the pony's neck, mebby the rider's.But whether he saves his neck or no, the party whose pony is thus tailed allers emergers tharfrom deshevelled an' wrought-up, an' hotter than a wolf.So no one plays this yere joke much; not till he's ready to get shot at.
"As I says, this Jaybird watches Todd as he rides off.Bein' new on the range that a-way, Todd don't ride easy.A cow saddle ain't built like these yere Eastern hulls, nohow.The stirrup is set two inches further back for one thing, an' it's compiled a heap different other ways.Bein' onused to cow saddles, an' for that matter cow ponies, this Todd lops over for'ard an' beats with his elbows like he's a curlew or somethin' flyin', an' I reckons it's sech proceedin's makes Jaybird allow he's goin' to be funny an' tail Todd's pony.
"As I explains, he capers along after Todd an' reaches over an' gets a handful of the pony's tail; an' then, wroppin' it 'round his saddle-horn, he goes by on the jump an' spreads Todd an' his bronco permiscus about the scene.This yere Todd goes along the grass on all fours like a jack-rabbit.
"Which Todd, I reckons, is the hostilest gent in south-east Arizona.
Before ever he offers to get up, he lugs out his six-shooter an'
makes some mighty sincere gestures that a-way to shoot up Jaybird.
But he's slow with his weepon, bein' spraddled out on the grass, an'
it gives Dave Tutt an' Enright a chance to jump in between an' stop the deal.
"We-alls picks Todd up, an' rounds up his pony,--which scrambles to its feet an' is now cavortin' about like its mind is overturned,--an' explains to him this yere is a joke.But he's surly an'
relentless about it; an' it don't take no hawk to see he don't forgive Jaybird a little bit.
"'Tailin' a gent's pony,' says Todd, 'is no doubt thrillin'
amoosement for folks lookin' on, but thar's nothin' of a redeemin'
nature in it from the standp'int of the party whose pony's upheaved that a-way.Not to be misonderstood at this yere crisis,' goes on this Todd, 'I wants to announce that from now for'ard life will have but one purpose with me, which'll be to down the next gent whoever tails a pony of mine.The present incident goes as a witticism; but you can gamble the next won't be so regarded.'
"That sorter ends the talk, an' all of us but the cook an' the hoss-hustlers bein' in the saddle by now, we disperses ourse'fs through the scenery to work the cattle an' proceed with the round-up we-alls is on.We notes, though, that tailin' Todd's pony don't go ag'in with safety.
"It's when we-alls rides away that Doc Peets--who's out with the round-up, though he ain't got no cattle-brand himse'f--tells Jaybird he's not a humorist, like I already repeats.
"But, as I su'gests, this Jaybird Bob can't believe it none.He's mighty shore about his jokes bein' excellent good jokes; an' while it's plain Todd ain't got no confidence in him an' distrusts him complete since he tips over his bronco that mornin', it looks like Jaybird can't let him alone.An' them misdeeds of Jaybird's keeps goin' on, ontil by the merest mistake--for it's shore an accident if ever one happens in the cow country--this yere tenderfoot shoots up Jaybird an' kills him for good.
"It looks to us like it's a speshul Providence to warn folks not to go projectin' about, engaged in what you might call physical jests none.Still, this yere removal of Jaybird don't take place till mighty near the close of the round-up; an' intervenin', he's pirootin' 'round, stockin' the kyards an' settin' up hands on the pore shorthorn continuous.
"One of Jaybird's jokes--'one of his best,' Jaybird calls it--results in stampedin' the herd of cattle we-alls is bringin' along at the time--bein' all cows an' their calves--to a brandin'-pen.
Which thar's two thousand, big an' little, in the bunch; an'
Jaybird's humor puts 'em to flight like so many blackbirds; an' it takes two days hard ridin' for the whole outfit to bring 'em together ag'in.
